Opening the Heart
Practicing self-compassion takes practice.
What's it like when your best friend shares their struggles with you?
Do you respond telling them they are such a loser and of course they are in a bind? Do you tell them they'll never have what it takes? Do you suggest they give up now and resign to being a failure?
Oh my gosh - NO!! Of course you don't say these things! I can hardly type this without laughing it's just so darn unkind. Of course we offer support, compassion, inspiration, and care.
So what's it like when you notice your own struggles? Does the inner critic come out saying these same unkind things? I hear it from friends and I've experienced it myself. It sounds like, “I don't know why I bother,” and “I'll never get it right," or “Of course this happened to me."
Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher and professor at the University of Texas at Austin and one of the world's leading experts on self-compassion, has spent decades studying exactly this. Her research finds that self-compassion isn't about thinking highly of ourselves, it's about relating to ourselves with the same warmth and care we'd naturally offer a close friend, especially when things are hard. And the effects are real: greater self-compassion is consistently linked to less anxiety and depression.
(Neff, K.D., Annual Review of Psychology, 2023 — explore her work at self-compassion.org)
Neff describes self-compassion as having three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. What I love about this framework is how naturally it maps onto practice. Self-kindness is offering ourselves care instead of criticism. Common humanity is remembering we are not alonestr, and struggle is part of being human. And mindfulness is simply noticing what's happening without judgment.
That inner critic can be unkind and untrue, and practicing self-compassion can support us as we learn to develop new conversations with ourselves that are caring and thoughtful. Our language with ourselves can sound more supportive, nurturing, and hopeful through self-compassion. Common self-compassion phrases include:
May I be free from suffering
May I remember my own strength
May I know I'm not alone (others experience difficulties)
May I be at ease
May I remember that this too, shall pass
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I have patience for myself
or just look at yourself in the mirror and say, “you got this!”
The next time the inner critic shows up, try meeting it with one of these phrases instead. You deserve the same kindness you so freely offer others.
I'd love to hear how self-compassion shows up in your practice or where it feels most challenging. Hit reply and let me know what you're noticing ;)
Warmly,
Julia
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25-Min Self-Compassion Meditation
